The Secret Costs of Hidden Anger.

Learn how people can suppress and deny their anger, hurting themselves and others.

Angry people often don’t realize they are angry.

That might not make sense, so let me explain.

I recently had a refreshing 3-hour phone call with my best friend from high school. We had some fun and crazy adventures growing up.

Although it’s been a ridiculous amount of years since we last caught up, I can always jump into a conversation as if I talked to him yesterday. I love those friendships.

As it turns out, we have both been heavily focusing on helping people master their anger.

He is a skilled psychologist and has his own therapy practice. As he shared about the patterns he has seen in clients, something he mentioned stood out.

He said, “It’s interesting how many people come to me and emphatically tell me they are not angry. They are certain. And yet, as we start to peel off the layers, a great many of them realize they are deeply angry.”

This is why so many end up in his office.

They can’t move forward properly. Their path forward is to process their anger constructively, and the first step is to admit that their anger even exists.

Unprocessed Anger Stunts Growth and Healing.

Why would anyone want to suppress their anger? Well, in reality there are lots of reasons.

Some people are afraid of the consequences.

Perhaps they don’t want to rage on those around them.

They may be afraid of losing control when expressing their anger. They fear it will come out like a beast let out of a cage, devastating the things in its path. Usually, this has happened in the past.

Perhaps they don’t want to express their anger because they anticipate others may rage on them. They may have seen the beast unleashed verbally, emotionally, or perhaps physically by their parents or people around them. Maybe there are scars. They don’t want to touch it with a 10-foot pole.

Makes sense. Destructive anger like that can be scary.

Sometimes people just get stuck. They don’t know if what they are feeling is right or wrong. Is their anger even justified? What is the best way to communicate it? The question marks make them hesitate.

Some don’t want to admit that they are angry because there is pain associated. To process their anger might mean going through emotional turmoil or reliving the same feelings all over again.

Who wants to do that!

You Can’t Bury Anger Forever.

I think many people end up deciding they are better off burying their anger.

But with anger, you can’t bury it forever. At some point soon, it’s going to unearth and come out of the grave like some crazy zombie movie. Sometimes you might get Shaun of the Dead, but most of the time you’ll get World War Z.

Both really aren’t good.

And these anger zombies often rise up and manifest as passive-aggressive attacks.

In some cases, a person might show up late. Consider their lateness a form of revenge or protest bubbling up to the surface.

Or lateness with work or projects. Dragging feet can subtly sabotage a project, and the anger stays hidden.

Of course, not all lateness is anger. Some people are just disorganized or irresponsible. But that why it’s sneaky. Passive-aggressive anger is often extremely veiled.

Another form of passive-aggressive anger might be flirting with someone after a fight with your significant other. This can feel “right” as a way to get back at them.

What Are Your Choices?

If we express our anger directly, perhaps we anticipate undesirable consequences.

We tell our boss we are upset about the extra work? Maybe we get demoted or fired.

We tell our significant other that we are angry about them being mean? Maybe it just sparks another useless fight.

We tell our parents that we are angry about a decision? Maybe they double-ground us.

And in some cases, revealing anger could provoke dangerous trouble, especially in an abusive or volatile situation.

So I get it. There are reasons to hide anger. But it doesn’t mean suppressing anger works either.

This is why my friend is seeing people years later after incidents occur.

At some point, their anger zombie unearthed and they never put a stake through its heart. Actually, wait — I think that stakes only work on vampires. Just use whatever kills zombies, shotguns or lasers, or something good. You know what I mean!

You’re only hurting yourself if you don’t learn to process anger well.

There are other anger zombies. People can take their anger out on themselves, beating themselves up mentally and verbally. Even physically. Like cutting. Headaches, migraines, you name it.

Denying and suppressing anger will be destructive to you personally, and your relationships.

Is there hope? Yes.

Increase Your Anger IQ.

There are constructive ways to process our anger. It may feel like new territory. But we don’t have to be doormats and let people walk all over us.

Seeing new paths opens up new choices, and that is a liberating feeling.

The first step is to increase your “anger IQ”.

Anger IQ is my way of saying how aware you are of when and how you get mad, and whether you process it effectively.

Anger intelligence is a skill that can be learned and increased over time. I can personally attest to this.

When I got married, and I was more than surprised at my unpreparedness to deal with the emotional battles in my marriage and how to process my anger.

But by the grace of God, I have been able to grow so much in my understanding. I want to keep sharing everything I know to help shed light on what can be darkness and pain for many.

The first key step is to simply make a decision to learn about yourself. Learn and acknowledge when and how you get angry. Make a commitment to up your anger IQ.

Who needs to do this? Anyone who recognizes their anger is hurting situations.

“I’m not an angry person.” Exactly what my friend’s clients come in saying.

Everyone experiences anger and needs to work on it. You don’t have to be a candidate for anger management. That’s a stereotype that needs to be broken.

Make a commitment to learning about how anger gets expressed. See it in yourself. See it in others. I believe most people fall into 1 of 4 anger expression styles.

It’s much like going to the gym.

You will get gains. You will get in shape. It just takes some focus and commitment.

If you have felt the pain, then invest in becoming the best version of yourself for the future.

Not only you will benefit, so will everyone around you.